


Safe (Hunter x Hunter Fanfiction)

by Kirbydesu248



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Anger, Angst, Comfort, Death, Family, Feels, Friendship, Gen, Home, Hurt, Sad, Tears, Tragedy, cry, fight, friend, friends - Freeform, friendships, kill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirbydesu248/pseuds/Kirbydesu248
Summary: How far are you willing to go to protect the ones you love? After Killua lost someone important to him, he snapped. And he lost the only person he had left. (awful summary...) Please Review!





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: I have no idea how many chapters this is going to be. I came up with the idea and I really fell in love with it. I've outlined it in my head, but how the story changes, we shall find out.

Side Note: _aniki_ means "big brother" in Japanese (one of the variations, at least). I usually don't like using Japanese mixed into my fics (though I _do_ study the language in college), but this is something specifically that Killua calls Illumi as a term of endearment in the manga and anime. There is a point in the timeline where he stops calling him that and actually refers to him at Illumi (once Alluka is introduced). But for the purposes of this story, the term is being used.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the HxH franchise

…

Safe

…..

Killua stood staring, his blue eyes wide, at his best friend. Gon was furious, screaming at the two men before him, knowing good and well that they could snap him in two if they really had any interest in it. Illumi and Hisoka, two of the only people on Earth whom Killua had learned to fear. Sure, he'd stood up to them when it came to Alluka, back when Gon's life had been on the line. But that was almost a year ago and his confidence in facing them had long worn off. That didn't stand in Gon's way, however. The boy continued to scream in rage at the two, though Killua had long since tuned out of what exactly he was saying. The men before him wore expressions of vague annoyance- as if a gnat was buzzing around them.

Killua should have been angry too. They had taken Alluka from him, ripped her life from his arms. They had taken the only part of his family whom he still loved, the only family who truly loved him. They had taken her life from him and ended it, just like that. He should have been angry, but all emotion was trapped somewhere inside of him. He wanted to scream like Gon. He wanted the tears that were searing holes in the back of his eyeballs to overflow. He wanted to wipe those holier-than-thou looks off their faces. He wanted to _kill_ them. But instead he just stood there, shaking uncontrollably, Alluka's lifeless body at his feet. Instead he was _scared_. He was afraid of being alone. Afraid of being weak. Afraid of being swept up in his family again. But most of all, right at that moment, he was afraid of his best friend.

"I'll kill you… I'll kill you both for what you've done!" The boy in front of him, screamed, body convulsing in pure rage. "I won't forgive you for this!"

Illumi didn't seem the least bit perturbed by Gon's declaration. In fact, he seemed almost bored. Hisoka's interest was at least somewhat peaked, eyebrows raised, no doubt sensing the bloodlust leaking from his body. Killua, on the other hand, was _terrified_. Flashes of a destroyed Gon made their way through his mind. The Gon who lost every trace of humanity after someone he cared about was killed. The Gon who forgot his best friend. The _"it has nothing to do with you"_ Gon. He thought of this Gon and it rocked him to his core. He wanted to stop him. To tell him to run, to give it up, to try to be innocent _one last time_. He just wanted him to _stop_. But he couldn't.

"Saisho wa gū," Killua's eyes widened, horror filling them as he saw the yellow burst of aura building in Gon's fists.

"No…" He whispered, shaking his head.

"Jan ken-"

"Gon, stop!" Killua suddenly screamed out before being hit in the chest with so much force that his body was sent flying into the wall.

"Killua!" Gon stopped his attack, spinning around to see Illumi stalking over to his younger brother's crumpled form. Hisoka placed a card against Gon's neck, preventing him from moving any further.

"Oh, Kilu, what's this? You're shaking." Killua tried sitting up, propping himself against the wall as he glared at his brother. His body betrayed him, trembling without his permission. "Are you really afraid of me? Oh, Kilu, you know I only did what I had to do."

The teen shook despite his anger. _What you had to do? You had to kill Alluka? Your baby sister? You have to torment me?_ He wanted to yell out in rage. He wanted to sharpen those nails of his and rip his brother's heart out for saying something so barbaric. But the nagging voice, _his_ voice, warned him even in the needle's absence, that he shouldn't fight a fight that he couldn't win. And, boy, did he know how much he couldn't win this fight. It would be suicide- or Illumi would just drag him back home once he was rendered unconscious. The man above him frowned, his head tilting to the side.

"You really _have_ become weak, haven't you? You haven't said a word. Even though I killed someone important to you."

Gon was yelling at Killua, telling him not to pay attention to him. But Killua wasn't listening, staring into those bottomless pools of black. He felt a shudder go through his body and he hugged himself closer to the wall. The frown on his brother's face deepened.

"I told you that leaving home, that having friends, would make you weak. You wouldn't be behaving like this if you hadn't left home." He crouched down to the boy's level, "Of course, if you hadn't left home, this never would have happened."

Killua's mouth felt dry, his eyes widening in horror. Those words seeped in, soaking his bones like acid. _His fault. It was his fault. If he had left Alluka at home, she would still be alive. If he had left her at home-_

"Killua! Don't you dare listen to him! It's not your fault! He's just trying to get inside your head!"

_If he had left her at home, Gon would be dead._ How had it come to this? Out of the two people in the world who he cared about most, one would have died either way. And either way, it would have been his fault.

"It's the truth, Kilu. And you know it. I bet it hurts, doesn't it?" He put a hand on Killua's head, fingers resting in white tresses, "Knowing that you took an innocent life. But I can make all of that pain go away. You won't have to feel any more pain if you come home."

"Don't do it, Killua! You know he's lying!"

"I'm not. I only want what's best for you. But does _he_?" Illumi motioned towards Gon who was struggling in Hisoka's grasp. "After all, you wanted Alluka to heal him after he was being reckless, correct?"

Killua tensed, and across the room Gon stopped his struggling. He stared in horror at Killua, shaking his head.

"K-Killua, no. Of course I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy! A-And I love Alluka too! She was my friend! I would have never wanted this to happen! I-"

"Shut up, Gon." Killua said so quietly, he wasn't sure that he had heard him correctly. That is, until icy blue eyes met his own. "Be quiet. I don't wanna hear it." The boy in green flinched, sadness reaching his eyes.

"You don't need him, Kilu. Come back home with me. It'll all be okay." Illumi stood up, extending his arms for a hug. Killua tore his eyes from Gon's before standing and slowly hugging his brother.

"Thank you, _aniki_. I'd like to go home now. I've been away for too long." Killua closed his eyes, hearing Gon gasp.

"Of course, Kilu. We'll leave right away." Illumi's voice was sickeningly sweet and it was obvious to everyone in the room that he was putting on a charade.

" _No, Killua!_ Don't leave with him!" Killua's grip on his brother faltered ever so slightly before he pulled back.

"Could I talk to him for a minute, _aniki_?" Illumi frowned but nodded, motioning for Hisoka to let the boy go. Killua slowly walked to Gon as he ran to him.

"Killua, you can't! You _know_ this isn't right. Something's wrong and-"

"Gon, I'm leaving. I'm going home." Killua's voice was guarded, his eyes devoid of all emotion. Gon's flashed with anger and confusion.

"What are you talking about? Why would you go back? After everything that's happened? After how they treated you? After what Illumi did to Alluka?!"

"He's right, Gon!" Killua snapped, causing the boy in front of him to flinch.

"Right about what?"

"About you being the reason Alluka's dead." The white-haired boy spoke in such a cold, calm voice that it caused Gon to recoil.

"Wh-What?"

"She was locked away. She was safe. But _I_ got her out because _you_ were reckless and stupid and pretty much got yourself killed even though you knew what it would do to me. I had to save you. And I needed Alluka to do it. If I hadn't gotten her out to save you, she would still _be here_!" Killua spat, and Gon took a step back, his eyes filling with tears.

"I-If I knew, I wouldn't have-"

"I shouldn't have done it." Killua said so quickly that it knocked the wind out of the boy in front of him.

"Y-You mean… Y-You wish I was the one dead?" Killua looked away, avoiding Gon's tear-filled gaze. "W-Well me too! I wish she was alive! I wish she was still here, but she's not! You still have _me,_ though! And it's not fair to blame me for this!"

"I swear my life would be so much easier if I'd never met you, Gon." Killua met his pained expression, eyes hardened, "I wish I'd never taken that stupid exam. I wish you never came to Kukuroo Mountain to get me. I wish you never dragged me along on all of those stupid adventures. I wish we'd never met."

"K-Killua…" Tears dripped down the boy's cheeks as he whimpered, "You don't mean that. Y-You're lying."

"I'm not."

"B-But we're best friends." Gon took a step forward and Killua took a step back, glaring daggers at him.

"We're not. We're not best friends. We're not friends. We aren't _anything_ , Gon. Now leave me alone. You've done enough damage." The fact that his voice was so calm caused even more pain for Gon. Tears spilled from his eyes as he clenched his fists.

"Fine." His eyes hardened, but the heartbreak overtook the anger in them. Gon wiped his eyes, though tears continued to fall, as he spun on his heels and ran out as quickly as his feet would take him.

Killua watched him go, gnawing on the inside of his cheek to keep himself in check before turning to Alluka's body. He walked quietly over to her, picking her cold form up into his arms, placing a kiss on her forehead.

"Kilu, that wasn't an act was it?"

"No, _aniki_. Gon has a terrible poker face. You would know if he was lying." Killua took an extra long moment to collect himself before meeting the eyes of his older brother, his own eyes mirroring the lack of light. Illumi nodded before patting his head.

"Good. It looks like you've finally learned your lesson then. Let's go home."

Hisoka followed them out the door, a deep frown in his features at what he'd just witnessed.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry for shortish chapter! I've been finishing up exams and have had no life.

Chapter 2

The sole survivor of the Kurta clan sat on a bench, cell phone in hand and red eyes trained on his much taller friend. He tried to remain calm but Leorio's insistant pacing was wearing his patience thin. With each dial tone, the blond got closer and closer to completely losing it.

"Hi! You've reached Gon Freecss! I can't come to the phone-" Loerio narrowly avoided being hit by the phone by jumping to the left.

"Hey! What the hell, Kurapika? The man glared at him, putting his hands on his hips. The blond sighed, looking at him apologetically.

"I'm sorry." Leorio frowned and grabbed the phone off the sidewalk, handing it back to his friend.

"I take it you still can't get ahold of him?" Kurapika shook his head, worry etched all over his features. "I figured as much. Killua didn't pick up either. Where are they? I wouldn't put it past Gon to be a little late since he gets distracted so easily. But Killua was the one who wanted all of us to meet up in the first place."

"Maybe they're behind schedule and are still on the airship."

"They would have called if they were that far behind schedule. Besides, their phones would be off if they were on an airship." Leorio shook his head, pulling out his own phone.

"Who are you calling?" Kurapika asked.

"The Hunters Association. I can use some of my connections. Put some feelers out to see if we can find them."

"Hold on a second." The taller man paused, looking at him curiously as the blond continued, "Look, we don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble for them. I mean, we don't even know if Gon and Killua are in trouble. They could just… have their phones on silent."

"They've had their phones on silent for two days." Leorio gave an incredulous laugh. "Right. Sure. They're probably getting ice cream, too."

"I just mean that there could be an explanation!"

"Yeah, the explanation is that they could be hurt!" Kurapika narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

"Leorio, will you-" A shrill ringtone cut him off and the two looked at each other. Kurapika looked at the caller id, "It's Gon."

"Well answer it!" Kurapika gave him another annoyed look before flipping open his phone and putting it to his ear.

"Gon?"

"K-Kurapika." Kurapika tensed hearing the boy's weak voice.

"Gon? What's the matter? Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm okay. I just- I won't be meeting up with you. Sorry for worrying you." Kurapika's mind was kicking into overdrive. _This isn't like Gon. He would never pass up the opportunity to see friends. And why does he sound so sad?_

"What do you mean? Why aren't you coming? And where's Killua?" The boy didn't respond and the Kurta's stomach dropped. "Gon, did something happen with you and Killua? Are you okay?" Again, there was no response. "Gon, I-"

"S-Something happened. Something _bad_." The boy on the other end took a shaky breath, "A-And Killua… he hates me for it. I didn't mean for it to happen. But now he won't talk to me and he went back home and he says that we aren't friends anymore." Gon's voice sounded thick and Kurapika came to the conclusion that he was trying hard not to cry- and had likely already been crying before he'd called.

"Wait a minute, Gon… What do you mean he went back home?" Leorio, who'd been impatiently trying to listen, froze, looking at him questioningly.

"I-Illumi came and took him h-home. But h-he wanted to go, Kurapika. He _wanted_ to. B-Because of me." Kurapika ran his fingers through his golden tresses.

"What do you mean by that? Why is it your fault? _What happened, Gon?_ "

"I-I killed her. I killed Alluka." Kurapika's eyes widened in shock and he met Leorio's expectant gaze.

"Th-There must be some mistake, Gon. You aren't a killer. There's no way that you could have killed her. She's your friend." Leorio looked as though it was getting increasingly difficult for him to keep quiet, his eyes wide and alert.

"Sh-She's dead because of me, Kurapika! K-Killua told me so! He said it's my fault!" Kurapika was growing more and more anxious, not liking the frenzy in Gon's voice.

"Gon, where are you?" He got no response and clutched his fist, "Please tell me where you are. Leorio and I will meet up with you and we'll figure something-"

"No. I don't want you to. I'll probably just hurt you guys too." Anger flashed through the blond's eyes.

"That's stupid and you know it. Now tell me where you are." His eyes softened, "We'll bring Killua back like we did before and everything will be back to normal."

"But he doesn't _want_ to be brought back! He never did! Killua doesn't want me around anymore so just drop it!"

"No, I won't! You aren't sounding like yourself and I'm worried. Now _where are you_?" The Kurta was a nervous wreck, his heart hammering in his chest. None of this made sense to him and he just wanted his friends to be okay.

"I'm sorry, Kurapika. I just can't. Bye." Eyes widened.

"Gon, wai-" He was interrupted as the call ended and looked up at Leorio in desperation. "We have to find him. _Now_."

Leorio nodded, retrieving his phone again to call the Hunters Association.

"Hey, it's Leorio. Yeah I need a favor."

…

Gon ran through the woods, feet pounding on the earth that was moist from that afternoon's rain. Tears flowed freely from his eyes and he gasped for breath, hyperventilating as sobs ripped from his throat. The tears blinded him, preventing him from seeing where he was going as he sprinted. He had to get away, _everywhere_ but where Killua was. The beetle phone was still clutched in his tight grip.

Gon's life was over. He knew that it was probably a dramatic way of looking at things, but his world was closing in on him. It was so dark and he just felt so _alone_. Killua didn't need him. He didn't _want_ him. And that terrified Gon. If he didn't have Killua, his best friend in the whole world, who _did_ he have? He grimaced- _former_ best friend. He didn't have him. And that was the problem.

How had things gotten so low? When had things fallen apart for them? Did Killua hate him all along? Had he just been toying with him? Or had he just been keeping quiet and letting things fester that Gon didn't know about? And now with Alluka dead…

"K-Killua…" Gon whimpered before throwing the phone as hard as he could off the trail and into a nearby lake. He stared at it a few minutes, rubbing furiously at his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kurapika…Leorio...Killua.." He backed up, turning to start running again.

His heart hurt more than it ever had. More than when he lived on Whale Island and had dreams of his father. More than when Kite died. More than when Killua had left the first time. He lost Alluka and Killua in one swoop- and it was his fault. Alluka was dead. Killua hated him. And Gon just wanted the pain to _stop_. He just wanted everything to stop.

"Please… Just make it stop…"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Killua laid in bed, silent with his eyes red from the barrage of tears that had been escaping them for hours. He was quiet as he wept, keeping his sobs to a minimum for fear of alerting his family. When he had gotten home, he excused himself quickly and went to his room where he could be alone. There he collapsed, wailing as silently as he could, sick with himself for what he’d done. He’d broken his best friend’s heart. He’d lied to him and he’d blamed him for Alluka’s death. He’d single-handedly destroyed his friendship with Gon. And he had never felt so alone.

He’d lost Alluka, his baby sister, and now he’d lost Gon. And he was the only one to blame. But he _had_ to do it. He _had_ to push Gon away. He _had_ to break him. Because if he didn’t, Gon wouldn’t have let him go and Illumi would have killed him too. Gon had to live. He just _had_ to. Killua couldn’t lose the only other person he loved. He wouldn’t let it happen. The only way he could think of keeping Gon away was to break him. It was the only way. Right?

Still, though. Killua hadn’t expected it to hurt so much saying those things to him. It felt like a sin to break the boy’s heart like he’d done. He never wanted to be the reason for his tears. But he did it anyway. He told him lies. And Gon had believed him. He believed that he was the cause for Alluka’s death and he believed that Killua didn’t want him around. Somehow, Killua felt like he’d destroyed _himself_ , damaged himself beyond repair, knowing that he had crushed his best friend so badly.

He wanted to die. But he also felt like he didn’t deserve death. He deserved feeling this pain in his chest and he deserved the tears leaking from his eyes. For what he’d done, he deserved the worst torture imaginable. He deserved _this_.

“Killua? Could I talk with you?” The boy closed his eyes, hearing the soft knock on his bedroom door. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially not his dad. He’d promised that he wouldn’t betray his friends. And he had. He’d broken the only promise his father had asked of him. He’d hurt Gon. He’d failed to protect Alluka. He’d failed.

The door opened quietly and Killua tried his best to appear asleep, though he knew there was no hiding from his father. The bed sank behind him as the older man sat down. He heard a soft sigh before feeling a large hand rested on his back, the touch hesitant and unsure. The boy’s body jolted a bit at the contact.

“I know that you’re awake, Killua.” The boy in question bit his lip, blue eyes slowly opening to stare at the wall in front of him. “Illumi told me what happened.” There wasn’t the judgement that Killua had expected. He wasn’t being scolded or lectured. “Are you okay?” There was no pity. No, Silva Zoldyck was only trying to be Killua’s father. And, somehow, that only made Killua feel worse. Broken blue eyes met hesitant ones.

“D-Dad… I’m sorry.” Tears spilled from his eyes as his body shuddered with sobs, “I couldn’t protect them. I-I let Alluka die. A-And I hurt Gon. I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Killua. Everything’s going to be okay.” Silva carefully took the boy into his arms, holding him tightly as he hadn’t done in years. His heart broke for his son as sobs tore from the boy’s throat. Hands weakly grasped at the older man’s shirt, searching for anything _anything_ to hold onto.

 _How could something like this happen? I told Illumi to let them go. I told him to back off. So why?_ Silva felt an unsurmountable sense of fury towards his eldest son and towards his wife (who no doubt put him up to it). How could Illumi kill Alluka in cold blood? Sure, Silva had locked her up for eight years. But that was different than _murdering_ her. It’s true that he had believed that she was cursed and that he was afraid of her power. But she was still his child. And Illumi took that away and he reduced Killua to a crumpled mess of tears.

Sob continued to wrack Killua’s body and he could do nothing to stop them. He could do nothing to stop the _pain_ in his chest. If anything, the pain was only growing. Images of Alluka and Gon flashed through his mind. He pictured those blue eyes shining with love and that sweet smile- how dull those eyes had become as they stared into nothingness and how blood dripped from her lips. He imagined those golden pools of sunshine, his laugh that sounded like bells. He imagined how broken and dark those rays of light become- the crack in that beautiful voice of his. The only two forms of light in his world which was filled with darkness- and he had let them go.

He tried to console himself. Alluka was in heaven and wasn’t feeling any more pain. She didn’t have to feel pain or loneliness. She and Nanika were in peace now, right? And Gon… Killua had just been holding him back. Gon could go back to Whale Island or to his dad and go on all of the fun adventures that he so greatly enjoyed- free from the darkness that Killua brought with him wherever he went. Yes, they were okay. Alluka and Gon were _fine_. So why did Killua feel like the world was coming to an end around him? No, that was wrong. He felt that _his_ world was coming to an end.

“I-I miss th-them…” Silva’s heart clenched at the broken whimper leaving his son’s lips.

“I know, son. I know.” He stroked the soft white tresses soothingly.

………………………………………………………

“Damn it, Ging! If you brush this off _one_ more time-“

“I’m not brushing anything off! I’m just saying that Gon will be _fine_.”

“ _That’s brushing it off!_ ” Leorio bellowed at the shorter man, looking at him incredulous. Ging’s eye twitched in annoyance.

“ _No,_ it’s having confidence in my son! Gon will be just f-“

“Don’t you dare say that he’s fine!“

“Why not? He’s my-“

“ _SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!_ ” Morel boomed causing both men to stop their arguing. The room was filled with hunters in various states of worry and annoyance. “I’m sure Gon will be _fine_ , but that’s why we’re here. To make sure that he and Killua both are alright. So both of you shut it and let’s figure out where those two went.”

“Well we already know where the Zoldyck kid is.” Ging muttered and it took all of Leorio’s efforts not to strangle the man.

“The _Zoldyck kid_ ’s name is Killua. And he’s Gon’s best friend so lay off.”

“Oh yeah? Then where is he? Why isn’t he with Gon?”

“I don’t know! Illumi must have done something!”

“You know what I think?” Ging looked up, a dark gleam in his eyes, “Once an assassin always an assassin. I bet he was the one to kill his sister. And I bet he went back home willingly.”

“Take that back, you bastard!” Leorio grabbed the man’s collar, his teeth clenched. “You don’t know Killua. You don’t even know _Gon_ let alone his friends. Killua’s worked hard to change his ways and he does _not_ a loser like you talking about him like he’s nothing but a criminal!”

“THAT IS ENOUGH!” Morel yanked the two men apart, scowling at them. “Killua is my friend. I will stick up for him any day, but now’s not the time for this. These kids are in trouble and we need to get ‘em out. Now both of you grow up. Do I make myself clear?”

Ging begrudgingly nodded, chewing on his cheek. The taller of the two nodded as well with a flash of determination in his eyes.

“Good. Now that that’s taken care of, let’s get to work.” Morel looked towards Kurapika who’d been sitting quietly, “Any word from the boys?”

“Gon’s phone’s going straight to voicemail now. Killua’s still not picking up.” The blond’s voice was quiet, his face tired. He had bags under his eyes and his skin was a sickly white.

“That’s alright. We’ll come up with something. Could we track ‘em? The phones I mean?” Morel looked around for an answer. Knuckle snapped his fingers.

“Shoot,” The man next to him met his eyes, “They had beetle phones, right? They have GPS! We could use that to track them right?”

“That could work. In fact, it should.” Shoot had his finger resting on his chin in thought, “We could use the Hunter’s website.”

“We’re _Hunters_! We shouldn’t _need_ GPS.” Ging rolled his eyes. Morel cut in before Leorio could get into another argument with him.

“No, we shouldn’t. But it sure makes finding these kids a hell of a lot easier.” He watched as Ging sighed exasperated, “So let’s just start there, alright? Once we find them, we’ll split up and go after them.”

“I’ll get on the Hunter’s website and start working on tracing them.” Leorio deaded toward the door. He stopped and turned toward the Kurta, “Kurapika, you wanna help?”

“I’ll do what I can.” Kurapika stood and followed him out the door.

In the following hours, Leorio and Kurapika worked diligently, making phone calls and using Hunter resources in order to find their beloved friends. Finally, they found the beacons. As expected, Killua’s phone was in Kukuroo Mountain. Gon’s phone was also immobile. The two of them marked the locations on a map before heading back to the other hunters. Despite Leorio being optimistic and anxious to get moving, Kurapika felt that something was off about the locations.

“Alright, let’s get them back!” Leorio whooped, followed by Knuckle.

“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.” Leorio frowned at his blond friend.

“What are you talking about? We found out where they are. Let’s just go and-“

“That’s not what I mean.” He sighed, looking lost in thought, “Think about it. Why would Gon be in one place? He sounded erratic on the phone, out of breath like he’d been running, and I just don’t think he’d be glued to one spot.”

“So something happened.” Ging’s eyes narrowed, the first sign of seriousness since he’d been there.

“It’s hard to say.” Kurapika hesitated, “But something definitely isn’t right.”

“This whole situation isn’t right.” Leorio sighed, sinking into a chair, “What should we do?”

“This shouldn’t change our plan. We should still head towards their locations. We just need to keep our guard up.” Shoot spoke up, earning a nod from Morel.

“He’s right. We’ll adapt accordingly based on what we find.” He looked around at the alert Hunters, “Now the question is, who’s going after whom?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm REALLY sorry for the late update! I've been having such a difficult time writing lately.

Chapter 4

Killua jerked awake gasping for breath, his heart pounding in his chest. His blue eyes were wild as he tried to figure out what brought him out of his dream and back to reality so quickly. His thoughts wandered back to the images that had flashed through his mind moments before.

 _“You don’t mean that. Y-You’re lying.”_ He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his temples. _“B-But we’re best friends.”_

“Make it stop…” Tears pricked his eyes and he rubbed at them furiously, silently begging whatever was out there to make the images _stop_. But they didn’t, and neither did the tears flowing continuously down his face. Illumi snapping Alluka’s neck. Her body dropping to the ground. Gon exploding and Gon crying when he broke his heart.

“My son is _not_ leaving this house!” Killua flinched, looking towards his bedroom’s door.

 _Mom? What’s she going on about?_ He wiped away the traces of salty tears from his face and tossed aside his blankets, getting up. _What time is it anyway?_ He stretched, bones cracking from being curled up for so long.

“ _Get out!_ Silva, how could you let them in here?!” He winced as his mother screeched, dragging his feet to the door. “ _Get them out of here!_ ” A pale hand froze, hovering above the knob.

 _Wait… get_ who _out?_ His mind backtracked over what his mother had said. _Whoever they are, they want me to leave. And Mom naturally doesn’t want that…_ Blue eyes widened as his face turned ashen, the hand dangling in the air trembling. _No. NO! It can’t be Gon! He can’t be him- it just can’t!_

Killua held a breath and squeezed his wide eyes shut. _No, it’s not him, Killua. You’re just panicking and jumping to conclusions. Gon’s smart. He’s-_ Killua grimaced, running a hand through his snowy hair. Who am I kiddin? _The idiot’s not smart. Hence, why I call him an idiot._ He shook his head to rid it of any thoughts of the boy he hurt and concentrated on what was going on down the hall. He strained, wishing more than anything that he had some of Gon’s super senses. Alas, he heard nothing and his mother was being ominously quiet. With a sigh, he opened his door and crept down the hall using _Zetsu_.

“Kikyo, calm down. Hear them out.” Killua raised an eyebrow, hearing his father’s sickeningly sweet voice that he only used on his mother, “They’re Killua’s friends.”

 _They? What, did Gon get backup or something?_ Killua frowned, releasing his _Nen_. _Ah well. At least it might be easier this way… depending on who he brought._

“Please, just let us talk to him. Let us- Killua!” The white-haired boy rounded the corner, freezing in his tracks. There stood Kurapika, Morel, Shoot, and Ikalgo. No Gon. _What the actual hell?_

Kurapika, on the other hand, was frozen as well, staring in shock at this disheveled boy who always seemed to be at least a _little_ put together. The others in the room were in about as much shock as the blond- of course, that was to be expected. The clean cut former assassin who always appeared equal parts mischievous twelve-year-old and cold-blooded killer, now stood before all of them with ghostly white skin, darkened eye sockets, blood-shot eyes, and tussled hair. _He looks so… small._ Kurapika mused, a frown gracing his lips.

“Killua? Are you alright?” He finally found his voice and took a hesitant step, noticing how the frail boy flinched in front of him.

“I-“ Killua flinched at the sound of his own voice and cleared his throat, trying again, “I’m fine. What are you all doing here?”

“They’re _trying_ to take you away again! Darling, you wouldn’t leave again, would you?” Killua’s mother rubbed her son’s shoulder and Killua flinched but didn’t pull away from her.

“Kikyo, it’s his decision to make. Don’t interfere.” Silva pulled his wife away, leading her out of the room kicking in screaming. When the hunters were left alone, Killua tried again his voice a little harder.

“What are you doing here?”

“We’re here as your friends. That’s why.” Killua clenched his fists, and Kurapika pushed through. “I spoke with Gon.” Killua loosened his fists, pain flashing through his eyes.

“What-What did he tell you?” Killua’s hardened voice broke the slightest bit and he silently cursed.

“He told me about Alluka.” Pain shown through those eyes again, only this time it wasn’t just a flash, “I’m so sorry, Killua. I don’t know what happened but I know the two of you were close.” The small boy looked down at his feet. Morel sighed deeply.

“Look, kid, what happened? Because Gon apparently said he killed Alluka, which doesn’t sound like him _at all_.”

“Hey! Don’t talk to Killua like that! Can’t you see how upset he is?” Ikalgo exploded at the man.

“I do see how upset he is! And that is _exactly_ why I’m trying to get to the bottom of this!”

“Well that doesn’t mean that you have to be a jerk about it!”

“Look, you good-for-nothing octopus, Gon was saying things that weren’t like him. He’s not right in the head and Killua doesn’t look much better-“

“What did he say?” Killua spoke up, fear in his eyes. He looked between his four friends, “What did Gon say? Is he okay? I mean why isn’t he like himelf-”

“Well you blamed him for your sister’s death, so there’s that…” Kurapika muttered, quickly growing impatient from the situation. Killua flinched, biting his lip with watery eyes. Kurapika instantly felt shame. “I’m sorry, Killua. I didn’t mean that. I just want to know the truth. You both are two of my closest friends and I hate you both being like this.”

“We can’t help you and Gon unless we know what’s going on.” Shoot smiled encouragingly to the boy. Killua shifted uncomfortably.

“He didn’t kill Alluka…”

“What are you talking about, Killua?” Kurapika pressed, frowning, “Why would you tell Gon something like that? There has to be a good reason. You wouldn’t hurt Gon like that- I know you wouldn’t.”

“He-He… Illumi killed her. And Gon was angry. He was _so_ angry…” Killua whispered, his eyes were filled with horror as tears began to leak from his eyes. “I just kept thinking about Gon with P-Pitou… I just d-didn’t want him turning into that again. He couldn’t- _can’t_ destroy himself like that again. A-And Illumi would have _k-killed_ him if Gon kept yelling at h-him… I-I just lost my sister…I-I couldn’t lose him too…”

“You wanted to protect him. That’s why you did it, isn’t it?” Kurapika’s eyes widened as the boy in front of him continued to quietly cry, nodding. Morel sighed, not sure what else to do with the information. “Oh, Killua…”

Killua rubbed the tears from his eyes with his arm, not pulling the appendage away as the tears continued to flow.

……………………………………………………..

“This doesn’t make sense. How can he be in two different places?” Leorio frowned, looking at the GPS on his phone.

Leorio, Knuckle, Palm, Meleoron, and Ging had been tracking Gon’s location for at least six hours using the information Leorio and Kurapika had retrieved from the Hunters only website. The boy’s position had remained stationary the entire time, which, in itself, seemed bizarre. Four kilometer’s from his location Palm had stopped them, claiming that she believed something wasn’t right. She used her power in order to see if he was even in the woods at all. He wasn’t.

“I’m not sure. But he’s at a harbor of some sort.”

“There’s not even a harbor anywhere _near_ here. Are you sure it’s not something else, Palm?” Knuckle frowned. The woman shook her head, clearly distressed.

“I’m not sure. There’s water and it’s busy. There are ships but I suppose that doesn’t mean that it’s a harbor necessarily.”

“Okay, well then how is he there when the map says he’s over here?” Leorio sighed, growing agitated.

“He obviously trashed his phone so we can’t use it to track him.” Ging shrugged, sparking annoyance in those with him. Knuckle turned on his heels, glaring down at much shorter man.

“How can you be so calm about this? He’s your _son_!”

“Exactly. He’s my son so I know he won’t do anything stupid.”

“Oh, _right_ , because you know him _so_ well. How long have you spent with the kid? A few weeks?”

“Whether you believe me or not, I care about him. I just don’t think we need to rush to coddle him just because he had a little fight with his friend. He wants to be alone, so let him.” Ging crossed his arms as Knuckle sputtered.

“I- you- _Let him?!_ What the hell is wrong with you? What if something happens to him? What if he gets blindsided does something? Are you seriously okay with this? I mean what-“

Leorio cut him off, putting a hand on his broad shoulders. When Knuckle looked back at him questioning, he motioned to the boy’s father. At a glance, nothing had changed in Ging. He still appeared cocky and arrogant, seemingly not caring about anything. But looking closer, one could see a hint of pain in those golden eyes that mirrored his son’s. It was also noticed by the other members in the group that the feisty hunter was uncharacteristically silent. Finally he spoke up, the normal nonchalant attitude returning as suddenly as it left.

“Gon’s my son. Of course I care.” He sighed, scratching the back of his head. “I’m just not so good at this whole ‘dad’ thing.”

“Got that right.” Leorio and Knuckle both muttered. Meleoron sighed shaking his head.

“Why don’t the two of you say that a little _louder_?” The short man narrowed his eyes. Knuckle opened his mouth to retort when Leorio’s phone went off. He picked it up, putting it to his ear in a flash.

“Leorio here! Kurapika?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” His best friend’s voice sounded strained.

“What’s wrong? Did you find him?”

“Killua’s fine- well, not exactly fine. But he’s at least safe and without any physical injuries.” Leorio’s teeth clenched.

“Does it look like his brother brainwashed him again? I swear if he hurt Killua-“

“Leorio. Shut up, okay?”

“Sorry. I’m just worried, you know? Those kids are our family.” He heard a sigh on the other end.

“I know. I’m worried too.” There was a pause and another sigh. “Gon didn’t kill Alluka. It was Illumi. Killua only told him that so he would leave and so Illumi wouldn’t kill him too.”

“So he hurt Gon in order to save him.” Leorio’s eyes widened in realization, “Oh no…”

“I take it you haven’t found him yet…” He could hear the worry in Kurapika’s voice, “I’ve been trying to talk Killua into calling him and explaining what really happened.”

“Don’t bother. Gon trashed his phone.”

“ _What?!”_ Leorio winced hearing the volume in his friend’s voice. Though something else caught his attention- yelling in the background, yelling that sounded vaguely like _Killua_. “Leorio, _where_ is he? You guys have to find him!”

“Don’t worry, Kirapika. Palm sees him. He’s safe. We just need to figure out where exactly he is. Until then, at least Palm can tell us whether or not he’s safe.”

“That isn’t good enough. I want to know _where_. We have to fix this, Leorio.” The man in glasses frowned, turning to avoid the anxious gaze of his companions. He heard the yelling in the background get louder. _Yep. Definitely Killua._

“Yes, I _know_ that! I want Gon safe too. But we just- Ugh! Gon’s at a harbor of some sort. Does that ring a bell at all?”

“A harbor?” There was silence on the other end as the blond considered the question, followed by distant talking.

“ _The beach!!!”_ Leorio winced again at Killua’s yelling on the other end, frowning in confusion. _Beach? What the hell is that kid talking about?_

“Beach? There’s no beach anywhere near here. What’s he talking about?”

“I’m not sure. Hold on.” There was talking in the background and Leorio groaned in frustration.

“Just put Killua on the phone.” He heard grumbling followed by Killua’s desperate voice.

“He’s at the beach! He has to be!”

“ _What_ beach? We aren’t even _close_ to a beach.” He heard a frustrated groan and bit back the urge to groan himself.

“Not an _actual_ beach! Gon was telling Alluka about Whale Island and she’s never been to the beach so we got the idea to go to some lake nearby. Even though it wasn’t the actual beach, he and Alluka were spazzing out about it! He’s there! I know it! That’s where we went right before-” Between Killua’s rambling and his voice thick with what were obviously tears, Leorio could barely keep up.

“A lake, huh?” He turned to Palm whose eyes widened. She smiled and nodded mouthing a “yes.” He mimicked her grin. “Palm says that sounds about right. We’re heading there now. Don’t worry, Killua. We’ll get him back and fix this. Alright?” He heard Killua release a shaky breath.

“G-Good… Thanks, old man.” Leorio laughed, glad to have a taste of the old Killua- albeit just a small one.

“I’m not old, you little brat.” His tone was light, despite his words. “But you’re welcome, kid. Just don’t make a habit of things like this.”

“G-Got it. Never again.” The man smiled softly, hanging up the phone before looking at the others standing around anxiously.

“Let’s go get that knuckle head.”


	5. Author's Note

Hey guys! So I'm really sorry that I haven't updated! I haven't had as much free time lately with job applications and finishing up my college courses! The next update will by posted before 6/28/17. Thank you so much for your patience!


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: I'M ALIVE. This chapter is kinda pitiful. But I have the rest of the fic outlined now! And I'm aiming to have another update by this time next week! Also, I'm hoping to have the next chapter of Shinjuu uploaded tomorrow! (10/16/17) Thank you for our patience!

 

Chapter 5

Gon’s body shuddered as he sat on the small beach, looking out onto the lake. Around him other kids were running around happily, splashing each other with water and playing tag. Families were bonding, readying themselves to leave to go home. In the distance there was the hum of a boat skidding along the water.

With every laugh or playful squeal that he heard, Gon felt his heart twist. Just days ago he’d been there playing with his best friend and his sister. Just days ago, Alluka was alive and breathing and laughing. The three of them had been having so much fun- even if the poor excuse for a beach was nothing compared to Whale Island’s.

And now Alluka was dead and Killua hated him and it was all his fault. How was it that his life had gone from perfect to complete and utter hell in just a span of a few days? Gon wondered just how long Killua had been pretending to care about him. He wondered how long he’d been living in the comfortable lie that he’d grown to believe- the lie that everything was okay.

Tears slipped down his cheeks as he wrapped his arms tighter around himself, as if trying to make his body as small as possible. The sun was setting and others on the beach were leaving, but he made no move to leave himself. _Where would I go anyway?_ He silently prayed for something, anything, to stop this pain. He would even take someone like Hisoka killing him. He didn’t care.

“Gon! Where are you, kid?” Leorio yelled somewhere in the distance, snapping Gon out of his thoughts. Still, he didn’t move to acknowledge him or to answer his calls.

 _How did he know where I would be? How’d he find me? I guess I deserve this, huh, Killua?_ Gon thought bitterly, his eyes blank as he stared out towards the water. His new was disrupted by suit pants, no doubt Leorio’s.

“You had us worried sick, you know.” Leorio said, softly scolding the boy as he crouched down in front of him. His eyes widened seeing how dull and lifeless Gon looked. A frown appeared on his face when Gon barely acknowledged his presence. “Gon?”

“Hey, Gon! Snap out of it!” Ging yelled impatiently when Gon refused respond. His son seemed to jerk to life, albeit only a bit.

He looked up at Leorio in surprise as if only just realizing that he was there. He slowly turned to see the others standing there as well. _Leorio,_ _Palm, Knuckle, Meleoron, and Ging... What are they all doing there?_

“What…Why are you all here?” Gon asked, his voice cracking from the crying he’d been doing. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if they were investigating Alluka’s death. The thought made him cringe.

“Isn’t it obvious? We’re getting you back.” Leorio said giving the teen a thumbs up, though a comforting smile graced his lips. “We need to get you and your best buddy talking again.” His heart broke when he watched Gon flinch, his eyes gazing at the ground.

“Killua doesn’t want me to be his friend anymore.” Gon gave a bitter laugh, a sound Leorio had never him make before. “Haven’t you heard? I killed his sister. I killed-“ His voice cracked as he choked on a sob, his body lurching.

“Will you cut it out already? You’re sounding like nothing but a whiny baby.” Ging snapped, hitting Gon over the back of the head. The boy yelped in surprise, looking up at the older man.

“What the hell? You can’t just hit your son like that! Especially not after what he went through!” Leorio yelled, glaring at the shorter man.

“Why not? He deserves it.” Ging said simply, ignoring the glares from the others.

“How could you say something like that? Gon needs support right now—“ Palm stepped in, only to be waved off by Ging.

“No, he needs a hard hit on the head. Gon.” Ging narrowed his eyes at Gon. The boy flinched.

“Y-Yeah, Ging?” Gon’s voice was strong. Really, he was worried. He was afraid of what Ging would say. It was one thing for Gon to blame himself for what happened- but it was another thing entirely to hear someone else say it out loud. It hurt enough when Killua had first said it. But to hear it again-

“This is your fault, you know.” Gon visibly shrank, caving in on himself. He was right. It was all his- “You call yourself that kid’s best friend yet you believed his lie just like that? You just took him at his word and ran off, even though it was obvious what he was doing. If you’re really his best friend, you would have seen through that, wouldn’t you?”

“L-Lie?” Gon whispered, staring at Ging in shock. _But Killua was…He was crying wasn’t he? Or close to it…It all happened so fast. I was so angry and I- He stopped me. He stopped me from hurting Illumi. No. He stopped me from getting myself killed. Illumi would have killed me._

“Think about it, Gon. You were with an opponent that you couldn’t beat. Only Killua could get both of you out of there alive. So what do you think he would have done in order to do that? If he’s as smart as you’ve told me and cares about you as much as you’ve said. There’s only one real option.”

“He… He went with Illumi.” Gon said, quiet rage filling his voice as he looked down with his fists clenched. “He said those things to me because he knew I wouldn’t let him go alone. He lied to me.”

“Yeah. He did. So what are you gonna do about it? You think he should just get away with that?” Ging said, a knowing smirk on his face as he watched Gon shake with anger.

“No way.” He looked up at Leorio and Ging, his eyes filled with fiery determination. “I’m going back to Kukuroo Mountain and I’m going to drag him out of there if I have to. I’m going- I’m going to make him wish that he never made me feel this way. I’ll hit him so hard that he’ll never lie to me ever again!”

The hunters around Gon couldn’t help but smile, relieved that he seemed to be more like himself. Though Leorio still wanted to kick Ging’s ass, he couldn’t help but silently applaud the man for knowing just what Gon needed to hear.

“Alright, now that that’s all said and done,” Knuckle stepped forward, looking serious. “What now? That kid’s with the Zoldycks. You say you’re getting him out, but that won’t be easy to do. They’re killers. It’s literally they’re job. How do you expect to get him out?”

“It won’t be a problem. I got in before and I can get back out just as easily.” Gon said stubbornly, standing to his feet.

“They’ll want you dead, Gon. Killua’s brother obviously doesn’t want you and him to be together. You can’t just waltz in and walk him out.” Meleoron pointed out.

“He’s right. I mean Kurapika and the others managed to get in- I don’t think that’s the problem. It’s getting Killua out that’s going to be tricky.” Leorio reasoned with the boy. “You know his family won’t just let him leave and they sure as hell won’t let us take him from them. It won’t be like last time-“

“You’re right. It won’t be like last time. Because I’m going alone.” Gon said seriously, his eyes narrowed in conviction.

“You can’t be serious!” Leorio yelled, followed by an outcry from the others. Ging stayed silent, but even he seemed a bit tense about the idea.

“Killua is my friend. It’s my fault for not understanding what he was doing. It’s my problem, not yours. I don’t want anyone getting in danger because of me. This is my responsibility and it’s between me and Killua.”

“Now wait just a-“ Leorio started, determined to make Gon change his mind.

“Leorio, give me your phone.” Gon said, holding out his hand. “I dropped mine.”

“Dropped it, my ass…” Leorio muttered, handing it to Gon. Gon took it and dialed a number without saying anything. The tense look in his eyes kept Leorio on edge, worried about what he was planning.

“Kurapika? It’s Gon. I need you guys to leave.”

……………………………

“E-Excuse me?” Kurapika’s eyes widened. He was acutely aware of Killua staring him down, looking for any sort of sign that Gon was okay. “What do you mean that we need to leave?” Killua tensed and Kurapika held out a hand to calm him.

“I need to handle this alone, Kurapika. I’m going to start heading to Kukuroo Mountain now.” Gon’s voice was firm, ignoring the looks from those around him.

“Handle this a- Gon, what are you talking about?” Kurapika’s voice was wary. Killua jolted at the sound of Gon’s name, and he was at the older teen’s side in a split second.

“Is Gon okay? What’s going on?” Killua wasn’t able to keep quiet, his eyes filled with worry. Kurapika shrugged.

“This is my problem, Kurapika. Besides, I have some business to take care of with Killua. So I need to be the one to get him back. Not any of you.” Gon said, closing his eyes to calm his anger. He wanted to scream at Killua for the things he made him think and feel. He wanted the beat the living daylights out of him. “Is Killua there with you right now?”

“Yeah, he’s here and safe. A little shaken up, but no injuries.” Kurapika was still cautious. He didn’t like what Gon was saying. He didn’t like it one bit. And Killua looking like he was on the verge of a meltdown wasn’t helping the situation at all.

“Good. I’m glad Illumi didn’t kill him. Because right now I want to.” Gon’s voice was low, “Tell Killua that I’m angry with him. Really, really angry with him. And that when I get to his house, I’m going to kick his ass.”

“I-I will.” Kurapika let out a startled laugh, not quite expecting that reaction. “But, Gon, I don’t think that we should leave. It’s not a good idea for you to come here by yourself. Don’t tell me Leorio’s fine with it.” Kurapika’s tone was laced with disapproval- something that went unnoticed by Gon.

“I want you to leave. I’ll be fine. And they’re fine with it. Promise me you’ll leave, Kurapika.” Gon pressed.

“Okay.” Kurapika sighed, not liking this one bit. “Fine. We’ll leave. But you’d better be careful. No stupid moves, Gon. I mean it.”

“Got it.” Gon said, hanging up the phone without another word.

Kurapika sighed, looking at Killua’s distressed face. “Well, we’re leaving you here. Gon wants to drag you out himself. Though, just a bit of a warning: Gon’s pretty angry and I think your brother will be the least of your worries.”


	7. AUTHORS NOTE/UPDATE

I'm doing some rewrites and I'm going to add more chapters ❤️❤️❤️ rewrites shouldn't affect plot too much, just primarily characterization. I'll be working on it in the coming weeks  Thank you for your patience! I never wanted to abandon this but this past year has been hard on me. 


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